The Complete Guide to How to Get Angry at Your Friend and Keep a healthy Relationship


Introduction: How do you know when you’re angry with your friend?

Can’t seem to stop poking, prodding, or arguing with a friend? It might be time to check how you’re feeling before you take it too far. There are many signs that the anger and tension in your relationship has gone from mild irritation to full-on fury. Here are nine that signal trouble:
1. The argument changes from a discussion to an accusation
You’re part of a group of friends, maybe an online group. You’re discussing something that needs to be resolved, and you all agree you need to reach some kind of agreement. But then, in discussing your differing opinions, someone starts throwing accusations at the other person: “You’re wrong and I’m right!”
2. You keep bringing up the past
If you and a friend have ever had a major argument, then you know that the memory of it tends to pop back into your mind. This is natural; after all, you’ve probably both learned something from what happened. But if the argument continues to pop up again and again–especially if you can’t stop talking about it–then it’s time to move on or be prepared for something worse to happen.
3. You’re making new, negative rules
You’ve just started dating a nice girl or boy you’re interested in, and you’re telling all your friends about it. Suddenly, everyone has advice: “Don’t let him talk to his ex-girlfriends,” or “Make sure she doesn’t spend all her time on her laptop.”
4. You keep thinking of ways they could have hurt you more

don t get mad at me
don t get mad at me

How to Get Angry at Your Friend and Out of the Rut

When you get angry, it’s usually because you’re feeling hurt. You’re mad because your friend has hurt or offended you, or because he’s standing between you and some goal that matters to you. If your friend seems frustrated with his job, tried to stop smoking and failed, got laid off from work—or anything else that makes him feel lousy—try not to take it personally. He’s not wrong; he just doesn’t know any other way to feel. So even though it might be easy to get angry at him (especially if he acts like a jerk), try to do something kind instead, like offer to listen when he needs you. Even if he’s not in a listening mood, you’ll still have done something good for the two of you.
This is what I call the “don’t get mad, get even” principle. It’s one of the most important lessons in all of life. The sooner you accept that it’s okay to be angry at your friends, the fewer times you’ll have to be angry with them. In fact, making your friend feel bad is often what gives him the motivation and energy he needs to change his behavior in the first place. Your anger at him can often be the kick in the pants he needs to finally do what’s good for him. It’s important that you get your anger out or you’ll make yourself angry, which will lead to guilt and self-hatred.

don t get mad at me
don t get mad at me

Why Be Mad at Friends?

When you get mad at a friend, you’re venting more than just anger. You’re expressing fear and disappointment, too. You’re also trying to get your emotional needs met and work out your feelings. So you may not be so upset with your friend as much as you are with the situation (your job) or yourself (for failing to get the job). Once you understand how these forces play out, you can figure out how to talk and act in a way that won’t make things worse.
You’ve probably been in this situation before. Your friend is having a bad day, and you give her a hard time. Her anger builds, so she storms away and quits talking to you for days. You can’t help but feel hurt and responsible for the rift that’s slowly tearing your friendship apart. But you’re also tempted to take it out on your friend by saying things like, “It’s not my fault we lost the job.” “You shouldn’t be mad at me. It’s not my fault.” “I’m sorry, but I can’t change that.”
What you’re really doing is looking for a way to avoid facing your own feelings about the job loss. Over time, your friend will probably be more upset than you about the loss, so you may find yourself blaming her for your own pain. How can you have a healthy grown-up friendship when she gets upset at you? You end up taking on her emotions, and vice versa. And when it comes time to talk about the problem, your anger gets in the way.

don t get mad at me
don t get mad at me

What are the Types of Anger?

You can get mad at a friend for anything, but there are different kinds of anger. Some of these will sound familiar—the argumentative kind of anger and the frustrated-frustration anger that you can feel if you don’t succeed at something. Other kinds of anger are more surprising, like anger at people who aren’t even there.
Explosive Anger. Sometimes your anger will explode into open negativity. You might say something like, “Why are you such a dummy?” or “You’re stupid!” Explosive anger can lead to physical violence. [3]
Displaced Anger. When anger is directed at someone who doesn’t really deserve it, it’s called displaced anger. We might feel angry at someone who has done nothing wrong, but who really is an innocent bystander. For example, a parent feels angry at her child for taking too long to get ready for school even though the child didn’t do anything wrong. [4]
Labeled Anger. When you feel labeled anger you think that someone has made up a name or label to put on you and then used it to hurt or ridicule you.
Victim Anger. When you feel victimized anger, you feel that someone has done something offensive or hurtful to you. But in truth, there was nothing that person could have done to do any of this.
Counterproductive Anger. Sometimes when we are angry with someone our feelings get out of control and we say things we regret like, “You’re an idiot!” or “You always mess up!” [5] That’s really sad because it’s the kind of attitude that leaves no possibility for a positive outcome.

don t get mad at me
don t get mad at me

What are the Warning Signs that You’re Getting Mad At Your Friend?

It’s easy to get mad at friends and put them down, but when you’re mad, it’s usually because you’re feeling hurt and want someone to pay for it. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your feelings are just irritation or if they’re rising anger. The more signs that you see, the more certain you can be that your friendship is at risk:
–You feel like a victim. You’re telling yourself that he or she is the bad guy, and you’re the innocent victim.
–You blame your friend for the problem. Whatever is going on, you tell yourself that your friend is at fault, and that it’s all his or her fault. You don’t see anything about your own behavior or the damage you’ve caused.
–Every time you’re together, there’s some kind of conflict. You start making up stories, and your friend is the target. You see evidence everywhere: your friend’s words, actions or responses to you. You make a mountain out of a molehill.
–You make up reasons to be mad at your friend. You can’t think of any other explanation for things that are going wrong that aren’t your fault.

don t get mad at me
don t get mad at me